


To Live, to Learn.

by supernovaniall



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Abuse, Angst, But Dave Strider is a homosexual (and that is something I made a point of in this), Happy Ending, JohnDave is implied but feel free to wedge in any pairing you want, PTSD, Recovery, first person POV, it's purposely vague when it's mentioned, peers described it to me as such
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-28
Updated: 2017-04-28
Packaged: 2018-10-25 00:15:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10752720
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/supernovaniall/pseuds/supernovaniall
Summary: These are the things I no longer wish to understand.—From the eyes of Dave Strider, post-game. (A school project I'm too proud of to let sit in my documents.)





	To Live, to Learn.

**Author's Note:**

> This is very short, I know, but the word limit was 600-800 words or something like that and I pushed this out really quick for class. Maybe I'll make a longer version in future, who knows!  
> As is, I'm fairly proud of it. Catch my symbolism (because I had to put so much into it for the assignment).

These are the things I no longer wish to understand.

I no longer wish to understand how to fight, how to defend myself in my own house. For a place where fear crawls on my skin like maggots is no home, and a guardian who stabs fear in my heart like a twisted knife is no brother.

I no longer wish to understand how to shield my eyes from the world, dressed as a joke, as admiration. I no longer wish to understand how to live in darkness under a blazing sun, how to cover bruises and scars under short sleeves and dry humor.

I no longer wish to understand how to wield a sword, weak as glass and flimsy as plastic in shaking hands. I no longer wish to understand cryptic messages hidden in plush nightmares, how to lose my breath with each agonizing step, how to take the hit every time it comes. I no longer wish to understand how to stand atop roof tiles, pressed against searing metal. How to look down upon a city but stand so, so far from it.

I no longer wish to understand how to hide. How to not be who I really am, how to reach desperately out across hundreds of miles and find something more tangible to hold onto than anything right beside me. How to stuff it away like a dirty secret, look off at a man I’ve known my whole life but never _knew_ , and not know how to talk to him. I no longer wish to understand what it feels like to be confused, and torn apart into unrecognizable pieces, and how to become someone else when lines and unbreakable walls are peered through and broken into.

I no longer wish to see death- that of myself, that of the ones I love, that of the hopes we grew and cradled and buried when the time came. I no longer wish to understand how to say goodbye, knowing fully well that it’s the last time I get to say it. I no longer wish to understand how to formulate last words. How to throw out a phrase and a glance to someone I’ll never see again. How to hold back the tears when the news comes from somewhere deep in my bones, before my ears ever try to shut it out. When another heart that belongs to me somewhere in this universe breaks, shatters; splatters to nick the corners of the galaxy and the palm of my hand.

I no longer wish to understand how to be someone else and forget who I am completely.

I’m learning, however. How to understand. How to neither forgive nor forget.

I’m beginning to understand how to sleep without waking at the swift sound of movement at my bedside. How to let my guard down for others to protect me. For the warmth that washes over me is no longer the blazing sun, but the comfort and the love I have learned exists. There is a life to live with someone else that doesn’t paralyze me in nightmares so that I wake up without leaving it behind in slumber; there is a dream that exists beyond a bubble of sleep and wishes.

Sunlight is no longer blinding, but a welcoming embrace. A new sun- a lot greener and forged by my own hands. The bruises have long faded, the cuts healed to welts and scars that serve as reminders. On my shoulder: hope; on my chest: time; across my neck: love and protection. I’ve learned not to linger in the memories, however, for the universe could collapse back into my skin and the game would restart, a wedge stuck in the door I so desperately try to close.

The sword I once feared now quivers in my hands, the broken metal containing all the power I never had glaring back at me. But the shades came in useful, blocking out its taunts. It’s memorabilia now, a warped prize that sits on a wall like a warning, a trophy, a treaty. The heat and the metal run like lava in my veins. Passion, furious protection, and purpose come from somewhere. That somewhere is where fear resides, waiting to be forged into strength.

I don’t know much fear. Nothing beyond leaving the oven on, or dropping his favorite glass, or stepping on a toy block. It’s safe, I’ve learned. To be and to love freely, to shout it in the confines of the world I create and nurture. I’m learning to understand what it means to love a brother, what it means to love a lover and not hide it in fear of the rejection and the shame and the endless ridicule.

These are the things I’m coming to understand.

**Author's Note:**

> Feedback is appreciated — thank you so much for reading!
> 
> Contact me in tumblr @ shirostrider.


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